I’m a psychologist, and this is a common thing people say when they’re repressing childhood trauma.

Yet this everyday sentence can quietly signal a buried childhood wound.

Many adults carry scars from early life without fully realizing it. They function, work, raise children-but a few words they repeat, almost automatically, can reveal a deep story they’ve never dared to touch.

The Apparently Harmless Phrase That Raises a Red Flag

Psychologists often listen less to what people say than to how they say it-and how often. Among the recurring sentences, one stands out for many clinicians who work with childhood trauma.

“It’s not a big deal-other people have it worse than me.”

On the surface, it sounds humble, even generous. The speaker comes across as someone who doesn’t complain and keeps things in perspective. Yet for many therapists, this phrase is a serious clue.

It often hides something far more painful: an attempt to push away, minimize, or silence emotions that feel too intense or frightening to face.

Why Minimizing Your Pain Can Signal Old Trauma

When a child goes through something painful and feels alone in it, they rarely have the language or support to process what’s happening. To survive emotionally, the mind finds workarounds.

One of the most common is minimization: convincing yourself that “it’s not that bad” or that “other people had it worse.” That thought becomes a shield.

Minimization works like an emotional dimmer switch. It turns down the volume of pain so a person can keep functioning.

Years later, the adult keeps the same reflex. Faced with distress, disappointment, injustice, or even clear abuse, they step back and say: “Other people are in much worse situations.”

This comparison may seem reasonable. In reality, it can keep a person from recognizing their own suffering, asking for help, or setting boundaries.

Everyday Situations Where the Phrase Shows Up

This sentence often appears in small, very ordinary moments:

• After a hurtful comment from a partner or parent: “It’s not a big deal-other people go through far worse.”
• After burnout or a panic attack: “I shouldn’t complain-at least I have a job.”
• When remembering violent or humiliating childhood moments: “My parents did what they could. It wasn’t that bad-some kids got beaten much more.”
• After medical neglect or repeated bullying: “I survived, so it’s fine. I’m overreacting.”

Each time, the emotional message is the same: “What I felt doesn’t matter enough to acknowledge.”

Related Signs: When Childhood Pain Shapes Adult Behavior

Psychologists note that this phrase rarely shows up alone. It often appears alongside other patterns that trace back to early wounds.

Excessive Guilt and Constant Apologies

Adults who were emotionally hurt as children often feel guilty about almost everything. They apologize when someone bumps into them. They say “sorry” for expressing a need, asking a question, or making a small mistake.

Underneath is a belief: “If something goes wrong, it must be my fault.” This often comes from a childhood where the child was blamed, criticized, or made responsible for adults’ emotions.

Over-Adaptation: Always Pleasing Others

Another common pattern is over-adaptation. The person constantly adjusts to others, often at their own expense:

Behavior	Possible underlying belief
Saying yes to everything at work	“If I refuse, I’ll be rejected or criticized.”
Letting friends or family decide everything	“What I want doesn’t matter.”
Hiding fatigue, sadness, or anger	“Showing emotions is dangerous or shameful.”

For the child, this strategy served a purpose: staying safe, avoiding conflict, keeping the affection of unpredictable adults. As an adult, the strategy can continue automatically-even when that danger no longer exists.

Other Phrases That Often Reveal a Hidden Wound

Therapists report a handful of other recurring sentences that set off the same alarm as “it’s not a big deal”:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I’ll never be able to do it.”
• “I don’t deserve this gift / this compliment.”

These expressions often go along with low self-esteem and a deep sense of unworthiness. When someone rejects compliments or kindness, they’re not always being modest. Many genuinely feel uncomfortable receiving affection, recognition, or help.

Rejecting love can be a way to avoid the old pain of having gone without it.

If a child grew up in an environment where tenderness was rare, conditional, or inconsistent, receiving genuine care later in life can feel suspicious-almost threatening. The mind protects itself by pushing it away.

How Triggers Bring the Past Into the Present

Another key to understanding repressed trauma is the role of triggers. A seemingly trivial detail can suddenly reopen an old wound.

A smell, a slammed door, a certain tone of voice, a phrase like “stop overreacting”-any of these can reactivate the emotional memory of a childhood moment.

The adult feels a wave of anxiety, shame, anger, or sadness that seems out of proportion to the situation. Often, they don’t understand their own reaction.

In that moment, many reach for the familiar shield: “It’s not that serious-other people had it worse.” That reflex avoids having to explore why the reaction hit so hard.

When Self-Protection Becomes Self-Silencing

These phrases aren’t lies. They’re survival tools. They once helped a vulnerable child stay afloat in a painful environment.

The problem is when the same tools keep running the show in adulthood. What once protected ends up silencing. The person stops listening to their needs, their limits, their inner warning system.

Minimizing your own pain often means staying loyal to a past where you weren’t allowed to suffer openly.

Therapy often begins right there: gently questioning these automatic sentences, treating them not as facts but as clues. Behind “it’s not a big deal” there’s often a story that finally needs to be heard.

Practical Ways to Notice These Patterns in Yourself

If you’re wondering whether you use these phrases as armor, a few simple exercises can help.

Keep a “Tiny Phrase” Journal

For one or two weeks, jot down moments when you say things like:

• “It’s fine-other people have it worse.”
• “I’m overreacting.”
• “It’s my fault, like always.”

Write what happened right before, what you felt physically (a knot in your stomach, jaw tension, a racing heart), and what reaction you suppressed (anger, tears, saying no).

This kind of tracking can show you the phrase appears more often than you thought-usually right when something hurts.

Try the Reversal Question

When you catch yourself saying “it’s not that bad,” imagine a close friend telling you the exact same story. Ask yourself:

• Would I say that to them?
• Would I tell them they’re overreacting?
• Or would I validate their feelings?

The gap between how you treat yourself and how you treat others often points to an old rule you internalized as a child: “My suffering doesn’t count.”

Key Terms That Help Make Sense of It

Two words often come up here: repression and adaptation.

Repression means pushing away thoughts, memories, or emotions that feel too threatening. They don’t disappear; they move into the background and influence behavior indirectly.

Adaptation describes the creative strategies a child develops to survive difficult circumstances: being “too nice,” never complaining, becoming the perfect student, the funny one, or the invisible one. These roles are clever responses to pain-but they can feel suffocating in adulthood.

Recognizing these mechanisms doesn’t mean blaming parents or rewriting the past in black-and-white terms. It mainly helps adults adjust their current lives: asking for support, learning to say no, accepting that their emotions are valid-even if other people “had it worse.”

The day someone stops saying “it’s not a big deal” and starts saying “actually, this did hurt me,” that old protective sentence has finally done its job-and can begin to loosen its grip.